On Thursday I was in a rush to get out of the door to meet my love for our anniversary dinner. I wanted to write him a card and opened Deepl to translate the deep feels. In an automatic movement of my fingers, I opened facebook and had to stare at a post for a long time, turn off the music and remember to exhale when I saw a world travelling friend I met in New Zealand had recently passed in an accident. The moment ceased to exist yet nothing else existed but that moment.
The flash of shared memories drowned out my daily worries which seemed absolutely ridiculous. I got to the restaurant in a haze, was pissed off because Pablo was late. I needed him to be early so he could distract me. I couldn’t relax, my mind was elsewhere. Death feels unreal until it makes life feel more real, more urgent. Whenever someone passes, my brain seems to push the button that releases the same question every time: what the fuck am I doing?
I often get lost trying to look at the bigger picture. The 5-year plan, the career ambition I’m still waiting for, the big steps, the babies, the house with a garden, the long serious relationship, the wedding. The things I can name when someone asks me who I am, what I’m made of. What I’ve accomplished in this life.
Until a life is gone and what you remember is the warmth of that person, their funny laugh, their presence lighting up a room, making everyone smile, the conversations you shared, how they made you feel, the way they hugged you so long you could completely relax in their arms and feel held all the way down to your soul.