Yesterday I read an article about how everybody longs for more depth in their daily conversations. How we feel better if we’ve had at least one meaningful conversation every day. This brought me back to when I first moved to Valencia and would spend some days literally only talking to waiters and cashiers at the supermarket, feeling a bit shy about my Spanish and just not knowing any people yet. To change that up, I decided to put myself out there and join some of the expat picnics to meet people in a language I was more comfortable in.
It would go like this every single time: group setting where no one knows each other so the same three questions are asked. Where are you from? How long have you been in Valencia? What do you do for work? I fall asleep with boredom hearing these questions for the umpteenth time so I would turn to the person who happens to sit next to me and go for it. I would ask the things that really sparked my curiosity like: What do you think happens after death? If you could choose, how would you prefer to die?
I was never invited to the expat picnics again.
I know there’s other ways to open deep conversations, but you know what... I actually found my crew of close friends and lovers here because they got excited about questions like that. Because they wanted to go there. The depths of life and death, of understanding and questioning, of opening different doors of perception. Of being interested in what drives a person. Why do you open your eyes every morning and jump or crawl out of bed? What makes YOU do that?
I’ve been on a Brene Brown podcast binge lately and she always asks her interviewees about a mundane moment in their daily lives that brought or brings them joy. It makes people zoom in. I can almost feel the warmth of the smiles on their faces as they talk passionately about the taste of their first morning coffee, the hug of a loved one, the look on someone’s face that made them feel seen, the song they sing on the bike ride to work, the sun on their face as a moment of meditation in the midst of a busy day.
Asking someone how they are and actually having the time and attention to listen. How often don’t we ask and hear the question “how are you?” and answer yeah, good. We don’t want to be a burden or there’s not really time to dive deeper into your soul soup in that moment. All good! It’s that easy, right? To start a deep conversation. Ask the most asked question and offer time and attention, welcoming all kinds of answers. That way we might just get to know each other a bit better and slip out of the superficial small talk.
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