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Hormone bombing

New experiences excite me. Things I’ve never seen or done before, the thought alone grabbing me by the throat. First: the fear of the unknown. Then, the undeniable curiosity, the desire to dive deeper into this new world. It could be anything: travel, relationships, food, parts of yourself you’ve never explored before.

Like this month, I got to experience having my period three times in four weeks. Something new, how exciting! PMS times three. What a joy to be and be around. All of this newness induced by the need to take two tiny little pills made to mess up your mood and hormone balance for weeks. I don’t know about you, but taking the morning after pill is like dropping a hormone bomb on my body, mental health and everyone who dares to come close to me.

Besides being a killer of good moods and fresh life, it’s also a big taboo. That’s why I want to talk about it. I’ve taken that bomb more times than I should have and whenever I do, there is this massive wave of guilt rushing over me. Like: I must be doing something wrong in life, that’s why I find myself yet again panic buying this pill.

Associated mostly with regretful one-night stands, the morning after pill is not something I feel proud of taking. Society points a huge finger at me, telling me to be ashamed of myself. How dare you live such an unprotected promiscuous life? I can smell the judgement of the pharmacist and everyone waiting in line behind me. Even when I find myself rushing to the pharmacy while I’m in a relationship and the condom broke, this huge feeling of self-sabotage takes over me.

I know I’m the one putting most of the judgement and shame on myself. Why? Clearly it’s my choice to take that pill. When I decided to stop using a daily dose of hormones six years ago, I have seen a depression evaporate from my brain, I’ve felt better and more in tune with my body and it has made me feel strong not having to depend on a pill every day of my life.

I guess that’s why it makes me feel a bit lost when I do have to get emergency contraception. Not to mention how pissed off I am, realising it’s always the woman who is expected to use contraception (“what do you mean you don’t take the pill?”) and who has to carry the consequences.

I’ve had this conversation about a million times before, but I still can’t seem to figure out a 100% waterproof way of having a fabulous sex life without worrying about getting pregnant. Condoms break, the pill messes up my mental health, IUDs scare me (I’ve heard one too many painful stories).

So tell me, how do you do it? How do you not have a hundred babies? :)

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